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I told my therapist I've been having dreams about being a muffler. She said I'm just exhausted.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

The snooze button is society's greatest lie. You're not getting more rest, you're just practicing being late with extra steps.

Adulthood is just saying 'I need to sit down' after standing for 10 minutes and wondering why everything costs money.

Sending 'lol' when you're not actually laughing is the modern equivalent of a polite society smile. We're all just maintaining the illusion of joy.

Nothing heals a Monday like realizing it's actually Tuesday. Nothing destroys a Friday like realizing it's actually Thursday.

Hotels putting 47 decorative pillows on the bed is a power move. 'Sleep here,' they whisper, 'but first, defeat the pillow fortress.'

My bank account and I have a lot in common. We're both constantly wondering where all the money went.

Study Finds 100% of People Who Say 'I'll Sleep When I'm Dead' Are Already Dead Inside

Researchers at the Institute of Obvious Conclusions have published findings that correlate hustle culture with existential dread. 'The data is clear,' said lead researcher Dr. Obviously, 'they're all running on coffee and denial.'