After 6 years of nodding along in conversations, local software engineer admits he's been 'just vibing' this whole time. His LinkedIn has been updated to reflect 'Honestly Just Winging It.'
'I'm protecting this house from invisible threats,' reports local golden retriever, Max. 'The corner of the room at 3 AM? Very suspicious. The mail carrier who comes every single day? Cannot be trusted.'
Researchers at the Institute of Obvious Conclusions have published findings that correlate hustle culture with existential dread. 'The data is clear,' said lead researcher Dr. Obviously, 'they're all running on coffee and denial.'
Every group project is just one person doing all the work while everyone else provides moral support through aggressive agreement in the group chat.
Groundbreaking research confirms what everyone already knew: the phrase 'I'm fine' is a legally binding contract to not discuss feelings.
IT department reportedly 'too tired to care anymore' after years of failed security initiatives. When reached for comment, the lead IT specialist simply stared into the middle distance and whispered, 'They just keep writing it on sticky notes.'
I sent an email that said 'Please see attached' without the attachment. In the follow-up, I spelled my own name wrong. In the third email apologizing, I accidentally replied all. I have since moved to a small village where no one has internet.
After 3 years of inconsistent watering, sources confirm that Kevin's monstera has developed the ability to passive-aggressively sigh. 'I always knew something was off,' Kevin reported, 'the way it would droop extra hard whenever I mentioned getting more plants.'
The real reason we can't have nice things is because nice things are just regular things with better marketing and we've all been fooled by capitalism's greatest trick.
Cows have best friends and get stressed when separated. This is the wholesome content you didn't know you needed but definitely did.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello. I'm so ducking tired of this shirt.
Scientists confirm what we all suspected: opening the refrigerator repeatedly does not spawn new snacks. 'The subjects kept returning every 15 minutes,' noted researchers. 'Some even tried closing their eyes first.'
My phone died at 2%. I made eye contact with a stranger. We both panicked. I looked at a tree. It was green. I had forgotten things could be green. I am writing this by candlelight. Society has collapsed. It has been 3 minutes.
Studies show that 87% of people who say 'just one more episode' are lying to themselves, their partners, and the Netflix algorithm that definitely knows they're going to watch 6 more.
There was a meeting scheduled to discuss why we have too many meetings. The meeting ran over. They scheduled a follow-up meeting to address this. I have now transcended to a higher plane of corporate existence where all is meetings and nothing is real.